I took one of those tests the other day. You know -- multiple choice questions, usually innocuous. The sort of questions a cheap shrink would ask. (No I don't have the link. You'd regret the time spent on it anyway).

So I answered the questions (fewer than I expected -- if someone's going to tell me how I really am, I'd expect them to gather some data first) and I got the little graphic-y answer that I could use as link to their site (no, I don't have the link, I lost it) and I thought that yes, I could see how they came to that conclusion. Doesn't mean that it's really me though.

So then I ask, well what is?

And one wonders why one wants to know. For years I blissfully ignored what I am or why I am, taking the Tony Soprano view (although it was all mine back then) that one should be able to get by without introspection and whining and getting in touch with one's feelings and so on. But lately...

My temper has returned somewhat. I have a very short fuse at the moment. I fly off the handle and my expletives are not necessarily deleted.  I take offence easily and have become increasingly wary of other people. My hermit impulse has kicked in and I avoid social situations.

I am a moody little fuck these days.

So I've tried to see why. If it was just me, I could go on like this, but it can't be fun for those around me. I owe them an attempt to snap out of it (already).

It might be work. I don't love my work, but I don't dread it either. It sometimes feels a bit pointless, but it's the sort of technical twiddling that I like and my actual employment conditions (pay, holidays etc.) would be hard to beat (or even match) elsewhere. I feel I'm in control there but it's -- I dunno -- unsatisfying.

It might be play. Since moving further into the country, the scope for socialising has been curtailed significantly which may explain the social withdrawal -- it's more trouble than it's worth. I've often thought that I'm lazy when it comes to getting out. I quite often feel that it would have been better or easier if I'd just stayed at home.

It might be money. We have debt. Not huge but not insignificant, and we're on a tight belt regime at the moment. This means that all non-food expenditure is suspended while we pay for our previous excesses. I tend to obsess about costly electronic goods (I want a new computer for a start) so this may be affecting me.

One thing that does depress me is my mother's and my father-in-law's illnesses. They both make me feel (my father-in-law especially) that there is no future. There will be no cozy retirement, just confusion and drooling. I'm nearly forty (forty!) and while I used to joke that I've been having a midlife crisis since I was twenty, I really feel that I should have got to grips with things by now. I'm a fucking grownup! Where's the worldly wise ness?

My life in five hundred words or less.

This is an unusual entry for me. I don't actually understand why people talk like this to strangers, but in the search for some understanding I have written this down in the hope that it will help to make things clearer, or just clear the air.

Either way, it's done now.